So I Saw My Ex-Husband For The First Time In 8-9 Years

And you know, it went exponentially better than I thought it would. He hasn't changed a day since I saw him last. Everything went amicably and he said I looked good. I had an amazing time with my daughter. If seems every time I see her, she looks more and more like me. It's uncanny. 

See?

Sad in More Ways Than One

My abandonment issues are flaring up. My seasonal affective disorder is probably going to flare up here soon as well. This overtime is really destroying me. I just want an out sometimes. My yearly Halloween trip to Tennessee is in 12 days. At least I have that to look forward to, yeah?

I Hate Everything

Friendzoned by the man of my dreams.

Girl I like likes a boy.

Can't start cross stitching until the 27th.

::shakes fist::

Wonderful...

I'm still alive. We can't always have what we want most, I guess...

That Awkward Moment When...

... you're looking around the house for ways to kill yourself, but you grab a Lovecraft book instead.

It Would Happen Sooner Or Later

I knew I would relapse on something. Turns out it was cutting.

I Feel Like Things Are Falling Apart. I May Need Help, But Don't Help Me

The only family I've known here are moving 1000 miles away soon. I don't know if I can handle it. They kept me alive (literally) last year. They made me realize I am a beautiful person who deserves to be happy. Growing so close to someone, or some people, and then have them move on to achieve a better life can be difficult. I know they need to do this to better their quality of life, but I just feel shitty. I already have had severe abandonment issues since my best friend Page left the REC. Then they announced the closing of it, and more friends have left. I don't know how much more I can take of this without returning to Good Shepherd, cutting, or relapsing. The former seems to be the most viable option. I have 5 months without cutting, and a few days shy of 4 months without drinking. I don't want to throw that all away. I have come so far in my recovery, it's blowing everyone's mind, including myself.

Thank Jebus for blogs!

I feel empty. I feel like a big part of me will be utter and complete permanent darkness once they leave. It feels akin to a death. Of course I'll go visit them, and they'll visit me, but it just isn't the same. My bestest best friend Ashleigh used to live a 10 minute walk from me. Now we're 1000 miles apart as well. I can't handle change like most people can. They can brush it off and say "Meh". But for me, I turn in to a miserable heap of pitifulness. I become this introverted shell; a ghost of a happiness past. I don't see Ashleigh enough. I don't see Page enough. I don't talk to my bio mom and brother enough. I feel useless. What am I gonna do without my family? What if I find myself at the liquor store. They're not gonna be there to kick my ass and drag me out. And not to mention their kids. I've grown to love them like my own.

Don't be surprised if I *do* end up in Good Shepherd in a couple weeks. It's either that or more tiger stripes on my arms. Did I mention I can't handle change? I feel like I'm losing part of me. Part of my psyche. Part of my heart. Part of my life. Phone calls and letters can only assuage my depression so much. Gaming can only alleviate and replace that very same depression. with opposite feelings and thoughts. Thinking of Wichita without the Smiths is a very crushing thought.

On a side note, I really need to start taking better care of myself. Still learning that I'm worth a damn.

I keep this hidden, and no one reads this blog, so I can comfortably say this: Part of me wants to disregard my health and die a slow, painful death. I've been suicidal off and on for 15 years. I've attempted it a few times as well. I've lost count how many times I've had to be institutionalized. I feel like a fuck up 99% of the time. I can't even take care of myself and I'm fucking 29! I have more issues than the Saturday Night Post! I do stupid things and justify them in my own head, while everyone else calls bullshit. How the fuck have I lived this long? I've had a drinking problem and a drug problem. I can't even be a proper mom. I feel like a shitty friend sometimes. I'm scared of my own shadow. I have irrational fears that I can't quell, even if someone drives home hard facts as to how I'm being irrational.

I've faced death a couple times. I've had a gun to my head. I've been the butt of many a joke. I've had death threats thrown at me. I've been made fun of for years. Why? Because I have a fucked up brain that doesn't fit. It doesn't fit what everyone else has. It's an aberration. A conglomeration of devastating thought. I hear voices for fuck's sakes! I don't belong anywhere. Personality isn't everything. Not too many people know what goes on in my head.

Trust me, you don't want to go inside there.