Sad in More Ways Than One

My abandonment issues are flaring up. My seasonal affective disorder is probably going to flare up here soon as well. This overtime is really destroying me. I just want an out sometimes. My yearly Halloween trip to Tennessee is in 12 days. At least I have that to look forward to, yeah?

I Hate Everything

Friendzoned by the man of my dreams.

Girl I like likes a boy.

Can't start cross stitching until the 27th.

::shakes fist::

Wonderful...

I'm still alive. We can't always have what we want most, I guess...

That Awkward Moment When...

... you're looking around the house for ways to kill yourself, but you grab a Lovecraft book instead.

It Would Happen Sooner Or Later

I knew I would relapse on something. Turns out it was cutting.

I Feel Like Things Are Falling Apart. I May Need Help, But Don't Help Me

The only family I've known here are moving 1000 miles away soon. I don't know if I can handle it. They kept me alive (literally) last year. They made me realize I am a beautiful person who deserves to be happy. Growing so close to someone, or some people, and then have them move on to achieve a better life can be difficult. I know they need to do this to better their quality of life, but I just feel shitty. I already have had severe abandonment issues since my best friend Page left the REC. Then they announced the closing of it, and more friends have left. I don't know how much more I can take of this without returning to Good Shepherd, cutting, or relapsing. The former seems to be the most viable option. I have 5 months without cutting, and a few days shy of 4 months without drinking. I don't want to throw that all away. I have come so far in my recovery, it's blowing everyone's mind, including myself.

Thank Jebus for blogs!

I feel empty. I feel like a big part of me will be utter and complete permanent darkness once they leave. It feels akin to a death. Of course I'll go visit them, and they'll visit me, but it just isn't the same. My bestest best friend Ashleigh used to live a 10 minute walk from me. Now we're 1000 miles apart as well. I can't handle change like most people can. They can brush it off and say "Meh". But for me, I turn in to a miserable heap of pitifulness. I become this introverted shell; a ghost of a happiness past. I don't see Ashleigh enough. I don't see Page enough. I don't talk to my bio mom and brother enough. I feel useless. What am I gonna do without my family? What if I find myself at the liquor store. They're not gonna be there to kick my ass and drag me out. And not to mention their kids. I've grown to love them like my own.

Don't be surprised if I *do* end up in Good Shepherd in a couple weeks. It's either that or more tiger stripes on my arms. Did I mention I can't handle change? I feel like I'm losing part of me. Part of my psyche. Part of my heart. Part of my life. Phone calls and letters can only assuage my depression so much. Gaming can only alleviate and replace that very same depression. with opposite feelings and thoughts. Thinking of Wichita without the Smiths is a very crushing thought.

On a side note, I really need to start taking better care of myself. Still learning that I'm worth a damn.

I keep this hidden, and no one reads this blog, so I can comfortably say this: Part of me wants to disregard my health and die a slow, painful death. I've been suicidal off and on for 15 years. I've attempted it a few times as well. I've lost count how many times I've had to be institutionalized. I feel like a fuck up 99% of the time. I can't even take care of myself and I'm fucking 29! I have more issues than the Saturday Night Post! I do stupid things and justify them in my own head, while everyone else calls bullshit. How the fuck have I lived this long? I've had a drinking problem and a drug problem. I can't even be a proper mom. I feel like a shitty friend sometimes. I'm scared of my own shadow. I have irrational fears that I can't quell, even if someone drives home hard facts as to how I'm being irrational.

I've faced death a couple times. I've had a gun to my head. I've been the butt of many a joke. I've had death threats thrown at me. I've been made fun of for years. Why? Because I have a fucked up brain that doesn't fit. It doesn't fit what everyone else has. It's an aberration. A conglomeration of devastating thought. I hear voices for fuck's sakes! I don't belong anywhere. Personality isn't everything. Not too many people know what goes on in my head.

Trust me, you don't want to go inside there.

Holograms Need to be a Thing

Seriously. Then I can enjoy public places without getting self conscious about being myself. People are here in Battlestations. Time to blend in with the general masses. It helps I'm not my usual self to start off with. I have natural colored hair and a blue shirt on.

Don't Google People Who Have Ruined Your Life

Just don't. You'll fixate, negate, contemplate, and meditate. You'll go down a road that leads only to dark, unsavory places. You'll remember the good, the bad, and the downright hate that that person has created. You'll drown in an unstable conglomeration of emotions until you are rescued by an outside source of help. If you're lucky, it'll only be an ephemeral phase.

If you're me, it'll haunt you, either actively or idly, for the rest of your life.

LAN Cafes, Kids, and Balloons Oh My!

Basically, all you need to know about my current situation is in the title. I'm here at Battlestations with my boyfriend on our only day off together (Mighty fuck REC, why don't you just bend me over now?), and of COURSE it's a day where there are two birthdays. Joy. And the second party brought fucking balloons, which have terrified me since I was about 8. Thanks Papa-san. So in order to cope, I have my Celtic Pandora station on and trying to block out my surroundings.

Of all days I would need him the most, my Pagey is unable to accompany me here. Oh, and not to mention I have to keep my vulgarities at bay.

Sooooo...

FUCK FUCK SHIT SHIT TWATWAFFLES AND COCKDRAGONS.

Ahhh. Better. Yet, I digress.

I feel the need to post right now to keep my mind occupied, so it might get long winded. So strap down, Sally Mae.

As good as I am with kids and want to go back to babysitting, the inundation of kids today here is kinda making me a bit uneasy. Thank fuck my man brought me my smokes [Wow, this is an interesting version of Dulaman. Still like Altan's better. I used to know the lyrics in Gaelic.] Also thank fuck the balloons are the fuck away from me and in a party room.

Let's see, let's see... Well, now the REC has me working Saturdays and in the good ole spirit of the REC, I'm getting screwed out of Sunday premium. Asshats. I have Mondays off now. All the cool shit happens on Saturday, mang. Nothing fucking happens on Mondays. I even got the DGT on Saturday. So much for high mail volume, guys... Better have been a fluke or else I'mma be pissed as fuck that my Saturdays got taken away from me. I guess my new karaoke night will be Monday for a hot minute.

Speaking of karaoke, my old bar opened back up. I was very tempted to attend the grand opening, but I ended up having to FMLA due to depression. For no reason. So going to a bar would have been something REALLY dangerous to do [Tomorrow I celebrate 3 months sober, by the way].

I think I'm good now. Time to go back to gaming.

Why I'm Good at Fucking Up

As much as I'd like to think otherwise, there are some bad habits I can never fix.  This is why I hate myself sometimes.

Get Thee Behind Me, Fears!

Ever want something so bad, so lusted after, yet was scared of it happening?

Commitment.

Ever since my first experience being married, and having it be such a travesty, I have had a perpetual string of relationships, which most of the time fizzled after a few months. 

I have Borderline Personality Disorder, for those of you who didn't know. My most noticeable, and most annoying, trait is being able to get attached to someone easily and quickly. 

The 4 relationships I've had in Wichita have made me better, made me worse, yet all of them have taught me a lot about myself, how to treat others, and how I deserve to be treated: like a fucking princess (of darkness!)

I have finally found the elusive bastard Happiness. I learned from David and Josh that doing that exact thing will ruin a relationship. With Michael, I am trying to pace myself like a boss. Sorry, had to. But I digress... So far? Freakin' impressive, if I do say so myself. Said THE word a but to early most likely, and I did have to get some advice for a few people, but I am relieved that I did it. And I wasn't offended when it wasn't fully reciprocated. And that usually happens. I do believe this is a good sign that I am getting over some of my relationship issues, of which there are a myriad of.

As a final note, almost having a seizure is not fun.

Standing My Ground... Again...

So I thought I had finally achieved a solitary living arrangement for good. I still have some ties to my ex Michael, but not the house.

Well apparently, he's getting kicked out if his place in Winfield. And guess who he asks to live with.

Yeah. Me.

On the one hand, if he comes back, Morris will chew me the fuck out and raise my rent 300 bucks. Since he has no real steady and reliable income, I'd have to support him until he has enough money saved up.

On the other hand, if I say no, he will end up homeless, penniless, or possibly dead.

I still said no. I have my reasons, which most of my friends know about all too well.

Well, when he laid this on me, all those things ran through my head relentlessly. I started stressing out hardfuckingcore and ended up vomiting. I haven't vomited in 4 weeks. I came back to my terminal and almost immediately ended up having an anxiety attack at my desk. It got so bad, I had to leave work and sit in Boyfriend Michael's car. During a storm. Again.

Speak of him, he really came through for me that night. He was my support system, caring boyfriend, and thunder buddy.

That was the moment I realized he really *isn't* going anywhere.

Tonight I realized my friends have been right for years: I really do deserve to be happy.

ANNNNNND...

I get to celebrate a whole month sober today.

Mr. Stupid Brain or How I Need to Stop Worrying and Like Myself

This guy is phenomenal, yeah? Yeah. So of course, since all I've known in relationships in Kansas is a bit of happiness followed by severe hurt, I'm worrying myself to fits of tears that I'm going to get hurt yet again. Seems to be a steady pattern. I need to be happy, even though a happy Goth is kind of an oxymoron, but it's me at times.

I was off my Lamictal for round abouts a month and I just started taking it again less than a week ago, so obviously I'm not on my "A Game" right now. But Michael told me in the car a bit ago that he's not going anywhere. Which is *exactly* what I need to be reassured about for the foreseeable future, since I'm a paranoid fucktard when it comes to relationships.

Thanks David. Really appreciate that.

He's taking a chance on me. I told him the best way to date me is to just "roll with it", and he's been doing just that. I've been happy for two straight weeks with no sign of my happiness depleting. Looks like *I* need to roll with it, eh?

Legos and Relationships

Take it from me. They go hand in hand. Michael and I have spent last night and today assembling Batman (him) and Spider-Man (me) Lego sets. It quite possibly might have brought us closer.

Being able to intensely nerd out and be my crazy self with no judgment or cross-eyed looks directed toward my behavior is refreshing. Sure I may be pretty cosmic and out there about 90% of the time, but I have found that a lot of people find that endearing. I have enjoyed being the entertainment ever since elementary school. Even in class, against my better juvenile judgement. I was terrified of progress reports, because then my parents would know I was acting a fool in class. And that was when the meds came, beginning with Ritalin.

But I digress.

God, that's my favorite conversational segue.

Anyways!

Yes, ladies and gents. Lego Time with your significant other is a calming and peaceful experience. Of course, until you battle out your creations.

Dat Morning Cigarette

Stayed up late and here I am, awake when I usually get up when I have work. Yesterday seemed to go on forever and I am quite alright with that. I think I found my new vice to replace whiskey:

My boyfriend.

Why Wearing Lingerie is Awesome:

Three words: Even *hotter* sex.

Why Being a Nerd is Awesome:

Three words: Crazy hot sex.

Life as I Know it: Tales of Happiness, Sadness, BAMFing.

Well, my first relationship of the year turned in to a bust. He wasn't over his ex and just recently got back together with her. It's whatever. I'm just gonna stay on the sidelines and see if she breaks his heart again. After the breakup, I went in to my usual after-breakup-depression state I usually do. I relapsed and cut myself and possibly drank more than normal. At least he explained why it had to happen, which is why it wasn't as bad of a depressive state as it was when Failbot did the same to me last year.

But enough about Josh. What about me. Eh?

Well, I'm in a new relationship that is going better than I could have ever imagined. He puts up with my shit, keeps an eye out on me, isn't tired of me after two weeks, and just... well, gets me. Of course I met him at work; it seems I only date people I work with.

About 4 weeks ago, I got alcohol poisoning for the first time in my 7 year long history with the stuff. I decided to do the unfathomable: Quit drinking. Since dating Michael (I know, I KNOW. It's either a David or a Michael), he's been able to show me how to have a wicked awesome time sober. It's not so bad. On the 24th (Six days before my daughter turns 8 [!!!!!!!]) I will be able to celebrate a month sober. Last time I was sober that long, Failbot passive-aggressively convinced me to stop drinking. This time I'm doing it of my own volition. I have a ton of support from friends and family, of which I can never be thankful enough. I've had a few new experiences as well.

3D dinosaurs. That is all.

All in all, I can say I'm doing relatively well, save for the fact that Abilify gives me fucking hiccups. Loud ones, especially at work.

Stupid Brain

I don't know if it's hormones, being bipolar, or Toddlers & Tiaras, but these suicidal ideations are worrisome.

Closing Chapters, Big and Small.

So Michael moved out. I dated him for almost 3 years and have known him for 4. I thought him leaving was going to tear me to pieces. I even drank almost a full bottle of whiskey the night he left to prepare myself. It went better than I thought it would. Who knows if I'll ever see him again. I took his house and I took his dog. He was an asshole when we dated, and I've been an asshole since May. Who in their right mind attacks someone practically unprovoked?

Now that he's gone, I'm able to live my life the way I wanted to. Free. Loud. Naked.

After closing a big chapter of my life, I had to close a small chapter. My relationship ended today. There are many parallels between my relationship with Josh and David Faley. But with one exception: Josh didn't hurt me. Sure I'm depressed, but I'm not broken. I know things will be okay. I won't need a hospital visit. I won't need my friends to babysit me. I will make it through and not give up on myself. I still feel pretty. I still feel appreciated. This is but a minor setback in crafting The New Ashley. Instead of putting half of my work in to impressing my boyfriend, now everything I do to better myself will be 100% for me. Even if I don't date Josh again, the next person who comes along will be so impressed with me, they'll never let me go. It could be Josh. It could be another guy. Hell, maybe I'll finally snag a girl. Whoever it may be, I'll be the best Ashley Fern Quinn this world has ever seen.

Losing My Job or How the Mormons Won the War

Starting in September, the 700+ employees at my job are going to have to vacate the building. Thankfully, since I have a career level job, I will get placed somewhere without reapplying. If I get sent somewhere that won't accommodate to my limitations, I will be terminated, and not by Ahnold. Apparently, only Salt Lake City is the only Remote Encoding Center needed in the United States. I call shenanigans.

Well played Mormons, well played.

The Wonders of Xanax

I don't know what I'd do without it. Had to face a difficult situation, took one, and was able to handle it.

Although, I might need to take one while I'm listening to this Christian podcast.

God, I love podcasts...

Gaming - Sleep = Tonight

My psychiatrist back home would kick my ass if she knew what my intentions for tonight are.

Doesn't matter; playing Half-Life 2.

It's Been a While Since I've Done This

Dress up.

A Martyr, You Say?

I'm a martyr of society. One who is looked down upon for a myriad of reasons. I'm crazy. I'm different. I think/act/speak outside the box. I refuse to wedge my way in to the normalcy of today's generation. I am me. Goth. Emo. Punk. Short. Medicated. And in your face.

I'm not going anywhere.